Maintaining a relationship with a partner at a distance is a three-star task. The war made adjustments to the relationships of thousands of Ukrainian women who were forced to leave with their children. However, long-distance relationships are quite common in cases where the husband or wife is a sailor, a trucker, or works shift work. Long-distance relationships are popular in guest marriages.
Who suffers more from distance?
The most difficult thing in a long-distance relationship is for our inner Child, who longs to communicate with our partner's inner Child. Reasoning that this is the situation, circumstances, or good reasons doesn't help. The Inner Child becomes resentful and capricious:
"I want an ice cream right now!" and the Parent’s arguments "Your throat hurts, you can't" or "I don't have money for the ice cream right now" often don't work, they don't calm you down, even though an adult perfectly understands the objective reasons.
Additionally, our Child misses our partner's Caring and Structuring Parent, and the Adult misses our partner's Adult.
It is a scientifically proven fact that our partner’s pheromones have a calming effect on a woman and relax her. Scientists have called this phenomenon “Pillow talk”. When a man and a woman lie in bed and talk to each other. At the same time, the woman often lies on the man’s shoulder. It is during such conversations that a woman develops a deep attachment to a man. She has time to evaluate and realize whether she can trust him or not. At the same time, one of the most important roles in this process is played by male pheromones. It is also important for a man to feel his woman with all his senses.
Attachment and characteristics of emotional closeness
When John Bowlby was studying attachment theory, he noticed that if people went long periods without seeing or hearing from a loved one, they would become emotionally distant from each other. At the time when he was studying attachment, video communication did not exist.
There were only letters that people wrote by hand and waited weeks for a response, there were landline phones. When sailors called, sometimes the connection was overlaid on a radio signal, so the couple's conversation could be heard, for example, by neighbors over the radio, or the nearest ship over VHF.
Now, thanks to the age of information technology, we can see and talk to our partner at any time, as well as take care of intimacy. Therefore, the affection and emotional connection remain warm, as if constantly being heated.
7 life hacks to maintain a relationship with your partner at a distance
In order to maintain a relationship with a partner at a distance, it is important to:
- Find support within yourself. To do this, first of all, we empathize with and accept the feelings of our inner Child and then turn to the Adult part with facts.
- Take care of yourself. Physical practices – massage, swimming pool, sauna, walks – anything that brings physical activity and pleasure to the body.
- Sex for health is a myth. The friction of one mucous membrane against another has never brought anyone any harm or benefit. But sex, as a manifestation of love for a partner and special closeness to a partner, is about physical and psychological health. It is necessary to take into account the physiological characteristics of men and women. In men, when they reach the plateau stage, there comes a moment when orgasm occurs in any case. A woman is arranged differently. Even if she has reached the plateau stage, she can get distracted, and arousal can decrease, so there is no arousal, no orgasm. Therefore, for women, a safe environment and a positive emotional and psychological state during sex are extremely important, and this is impossible without trust in a partner, without special closeness in a relationship, and without knowledge of their erogenous zones that turn on arousal.
- Sex toys plus sexual fantasy will make life brighter for both partners. This is the best replacement in the absence of sex: for men - a masturbator, for women - a dildo. Masturbation is a temporary and healthy way out of the situation with prolonged sexual abstinence, but constant masturbation can lead to the formation of certain neural connections and it becomes more difficult to have an orgasm with a partner. We know ourselves better than anyone else. Therefore, toys are most suitable for both one partner and a couple, and for the variety of sex life in long-term relationships.
- A myth from the time of Freud (who actually created it as well): there are full and incomplete orgasms. In modern psychology, this myth has been completely debunked by research in the field of neurobiology and neurophysiology. Orgasm occurs in certain areas of the brain, and does not depend on the area of localization and method. During the times of patriarchy, it was logical to divide into full and incomplete orgasms, otherwise, why do we need men? The fact is that a person gets an orgasm regardless of whether it is self-satisfaction or interaction with a partner. Orgasm is achieved by both heterosexual and homosexual couples. The only thing is that when interacting with a partner, all the senses are activated, and our body is rich in erogenous zones from head to toe. Sex is, first of all, communication between internal Free Children. For a man, sex is basically impossible if the Free Child is not involved. For a woman, sex is physically possible in all ego states, but sex with the Free Child ego state turned on is the most pleasurable. It is this communication that delivers moments of true closeness and intimacy that cannot be obtained alone.
- Dialogue. In terms of importance, I would put it in first place, but here the points are not in decreasing order. Each point is worthy of our attention. Without open dialogue, it is impossible to talk about sexual norm in principle. That is, if partners live together, but they do not have high-quality communication with each other, this does not mean that they have a “normal” family. When partners live far from each other, but have good communication with each other, this does not mean that their family is “not in order”. With age, physiology turns on with a special psychological state of satisfaction with relationships. Conflicts in a couple, on the one hand, indicate that the relationship in a couple is alive and dynamic, and constructively solving problems in a conversation leads to strengthening the union.
- It is important to be in contact with your partner. Contact is built with the help of simple questions: How are you? What have you been doing? How are you feeling? And in the process of attentive listening, the Inner Child will definitely turn on and tell you what is valuable and important to it.
This is how you can keep a long-distance relationship warm and burning with coals. And it's important to solidify them with faith in a quick meeting, plans for a future trip, and approximate dates for when we'll see our partner.
The anticipation of getting pleasure from an encounter is a kind of pleasure. The special value of rare encounters is the prevention of boredom and routine in sexual relations.
For those couples who never break up and are already tired of living together, I recommend taking at least a week off from each other and getting involved in something other than the house and their shared life.
In any case, it is extremely important to make up your own mind and decide for yourself: I want to be with this partner. I choose him today.
When you're alone, different thoughts come with you, and we, like our partners, are not perfect. So choose consciously, and this will help you survive the distance and separation.
The most important thing to remember is that all problems and life tasks can be solved as long as we are alive and want to communicate with each other. And life and time will put everything in its place. It is wonderful to change together with your partner depending on the changing life circumstances. The dynamics in relationships, the family and life crises that have been overcome, give us a reason to appreciate our common life path more.
LITERATURE
- A Game Free Life. The definitive book on the Drama Triangle and Compassion Triangle by the originator and author. The new transactional analysis of intimacy, openness, and happiness. Stephen B. Karpman – Metanoia, 2016 – 342 p.
- Attachment in Psychotherapy. David J. Wallin – Scientific World, 2021 – 398 p.
- Physiology and psychology of orgasm: modern ideas. G.S. Kocharyan – Kharkiv Medical Academy of Postgraduate Education – 17-24 p.
- Modern Sexology by G.S. Kocharyan. Kyiv, NIKA Center, 2007 – 399 p.
- Human sexual pheromones (new sexology). G.S. Kocharyan – Kharkiv: V.M. Karazin KhNU, 2005 – 270p.