This article is about what issues are raised in psychotherapy for couples with same-sex attraction, what to pay attention to, areas of work, and important points that a psychotherapist should consider.
When working on the article, I relied on Richard Cohen's book “Straight Talk About Homosexuality: The Other Side of Tolerance” in which the author talked about the myths of homosexuality and explored their causes.
The phenomenon of same-sex attraction and a brief historical overview
First of all, let's look at what same-sex attraction is. And let's do a little historical review.
Same-sex attraction is a biological, psychological, and social phenomenon.
Richard Cohen notes that the change in attitudes towards homosexuality observed in recent decades should be viewed as a process that ignores the biological component of the norm and is based on a certain social order aimed at legalizing sexual minorities in the context of the democratization of society and is a side effect of democratization itself.
Even 50 years ago, homosexuality was considered a mental illness all over the world, people with same-sex attraction were repressed in different countries, they were imprisoned, sentenced to death, and lynched. I am absolutely against hatred towards each other based on sexual preferences. This violates the first fundamental principle of human freedom of choice.
For centuries, there have been people with same-sex attraction, there have been cultures that encouraged same-sex attraction, but the very strong popularization of homosexuality, especially among children and adolescents, in whom the Adult has not been formed, has a very negative impact on psychosexual orientation.
Issues that a psychotherapist encounters when working with couples with same-sex attraction
- Self-identification
A person's psychosexual orientation is most often formed during adolescence. Sigmund Freud believed that homogeneous groups of adolescents were the absolute norm in early adolescence. However, during adulthood, psychosexual orientation can change for a number of reasons, both towards heterosexuality and towards same-sex attraction.
At the same time, the main task of psychotherapy will be to support and strengthen a person’s self-identification. The most important question in adolescence, which characterizes the crisis of this period, is “Who am I?” and finding oneself. We also begin to ask ourselves this question in the middle of our life path, when we have a midlife crisis and a reassessment of values takes place. Old meanings are not relevant, and new ones have not yet been found.
- Reassessment of values and new meanings
It happens that due to life circumstances or a reassessment of values, it is very difficult for us to change our profession, sometimes it causes a lot of feelings and experiences. Often our loved ones are discouraged about this and do not support us. What can we say about such an intimate experience as choosing a partner of the same sex. The reaction of relatives can be extremely negative and hurt a person.
- Existential fear of death
Often, mothers of teenagers or adults seek psychological help. When a son or daughter declares their belonging, parents often cannot cope with their feelings. They raise such questions as, what about grandchildren? They worry about the continuation of the family and fear that it will end. Fear and horror raise existential questions about the end of life. Fear of disappearing from this earth forever. Fear of loneliness. In such cases, the main task of psychotherapy is to direct a person towards self-realization. What trace will I leave on this earth? Will there be any memory of me?
- Grief
The issue of children will also arise in couples with same-sex attraction. Many of them want children and are looking for ways to adopt a child. They are looking for ways to conceive a child with the help of a surrogate mother. Since in many countries there are no such bills that support adoption at the legislative level, the question of who the child will remain with after the partners separate is also extremely acute, including at the legislative level, many couples seek help to cope with and accept this fact that the couple will not have children.
- The prohibition “Do not belong!”
One of the most painful issues in working with same-sex couples is the prohibition of "DO NOT BELONG!" Family rejection of your choice, ridicule, and homophobia from others are painfully hurtful and require psychotherapy.
What to look out for when working with a couple with same-sex attraction
When working with couples with same-sex attraction, psychotherapists need to remember the following:
- First of all, we work with the couple according to the laws of the family systems approach in a couple. Since partners distinguish male and female roles and purposes in the family.
- We follow the client's request.
- We pay attention to the contamination of the Adult and work with decontamination. It is important to confront the myth “Born gay cannot change”. Psychological information is one of the tasks of psychotherapy. Therefore, a psychologist needs to know how a person’s sexuality is formed, how psychosexual orientation is formed.
Causes of same-sex attraction
Richard Cohen, as a result of an analysis of various studies, emphasized that same-sex attraction is a consequence of three reasons:
- Inherent in human nature. The abstract desire to satisfy the homoemotional and/or homosocial need for love.
- Unhealed traumas of the past.
- An unmet need for love.
The needs of same-sex attraction
Homosexuality is an emotional state that compensates for such needs and feelings.
- The need for love from a parent/peer of the same sex.
- The need for gender identification.
- Compensation for fear of intimacy with people of the opposite sex.
- The need for a sense of belonging.
Words that hurt and words that heal:
So, same-sex attraction is an emotional state. That is, a person is exactly the same as people with heterosexual attraction. Therefore, it is important to change the culture and pay attention to the words when we talk about homosexuality.
Instead of words of hate, we use words of love, support, and acceptance.
Instead of the word “gay,” which means “joy” in English, we use only “Same-sex attraction.”
Instead of “sexual orientation” only heterosexuality. Here the author means that a person is born of a certain sex: a boy or a girl, and the biological norm is reproduction. This norm is embedded from birth in the reproductive system and neurohumoral regulation of a person. Two people, a man and a woman, participate in conception and it cannot be otherwise. Psychosexual orientation is formed over time as a result of upbringing, culture and personal experience of a person over time. This is a psychosocial component, not a biological one. And it can change over time. The biological norm also indicates normal intrauterine development and further physiological development of the child. There are very rare cases when a violation occurs in intrauterine development as a result of hormonal disorders in the matter or brain injury and certain rather rare diseases that can also affect physiological changes, but this is already a deviation from the biological norm and physiological health. By design, a child is born with a certain gender and from the first day of life, a certain neurohumoral regulation of the body is established so that in the future the person can reproduce offspring.
Instead of “homophobia” and “anti-gay” – only healing words and actions. And this is the work of the entire society and a change in culture.
Instead of “LGBT” and “doubting youth” – people with same-sex attraction.
Instead of “Love the sinner and hate the sin” – simply being around our family members, friends, colleagues, employees, and neighbors with same-sex attraction.
Instead of the slogan “Born gay, can't change” – No one is born with same-sex attraction and it is indeed possible to change one's orientation.
Therefore, Richard Cohen recommends that psychologists/psychotherapists be extremely selective in the words we use to communicate with clients.
Where are we going?
Psychoanalyst Christian David introduced the concept of bisexualization in psychoanalysis. This concept describes the integration of masculine and feminine aspects of sexuality and allows one to acquire the ability to “fantasize, understand, and share the sexual and psychosexual experiences of someone of the other sex.”
Jung spoke of the integration of Animus and Anima. When we recognize the masculine and feminine parts of ourselves, our personality becomes whole and the unrecognized masculine traits in a woman or feminine traits in a man do not go into the shadows, but allow us to realize ourselves and be fulfilled.
In sexology, it is extremely important to understand your feelings and your partner's feelings, your own and their needs.
Physiologically, we are arranged in such a way that a woman's clitoris consists of the same bodies as a man's penis, and a man has a small vestigial uterus called the prostatic utricle. It is when the sperm is released and passes through this prostatic utricle that a man receives the sweet sensations of orgasm. In both men and women, the brain is involved in orgasm. Therefore, we remember that this is the strongest erogenous zone.
Both psychologically and physiologically, a man and a woman are designed to understand each other and assume what a partner of the opposite sex feels. Therefore, integrating sexuality, accepting sexuality, and having close relationships are key in working with couples of both heterosexual orientation and same-sex attraction.